From the Thirsty Mouth of Babes

My five-year-old nephew was having trouble opening the extra-tight lid of a bottle of Gatorade. Handing it to me after trying to open it himself, he asked, "Uncle Armen, can you open this for me." I had a bit of trouble myself but managed opening it.

Me: "Man, they put this lid on tight, didn't they!"
My nephew: "Yeah, don't they know people want to drink this?"

Integrity and the Stolen Electric Bass Guitar

All of us know someone who has had something of sentimental or financial value stolen from them, never to be seen again. So I wanted to share an email I received tonight from my friend, Brian who sent me the below message after selling his guitar and bass. Brian's a rare dude, and I'm proud to call him my friend. Here's his email to me:

The guy that bought my Gibson [guitar] bought my Alembic [bass guitar] too. I get a call today he says it’s on the Alembic’s website stolen list. I called Alembic and it was stolen sometime in 1979-80? We both talked to Alembic and I agreed to buy the bass back. The owner has been looking for it since then. He lives in Moorpark.

They called his mom, she answered and started crying and said “yes I’ll tell my son.” He called and I said come and get it he was ecstatic. I lose the money but this guy after all this time finally gets his prized bass back after almost 30 years. He still has the case and one of his old band mates kept telling him it will show up one day. I lose my money but that is not as important as this guy’s quest. Feels good, I hope it comes around to me some day. It should be on Oprah.

Weird

Corteo (Cirque du Soleil) in Los Angeles

Last night my wife and I attended the Los Angeles premier party for Cirque du Soleil's Corteo. It was on the floor of the L.A. Forum - a BIG place where years ago I saw many bands perform - AC/DC, Rod Stewart, Earth, Wind & Fire, Peter Gabriel, Peter Gabriel, and Peter Gabriel (yes, I saw him there a few times) to name a few.

I saw the show the previous evening at a dress rehearsal. It felt real good to see another Cirque show since it's been about 9 months from the time I last performed with them. I had the pleasure of meeting some of the musicians, all who were fantastic performers!

click pics to enlarge

Y'all Come Here Often? - Bad Music and the Bathroom Dilemma

If you read my previous post on Easy Listening Music being hard to listen to, then you're familiar with how music effects me. I took this to a new level though. A few days ago when I was at Linen's n Things shopping for a new wider-mouth garbage can to replace our current "trendy retro diner-looking cylindrical too-narrow-to-fill-up-a-full-bag-of-trash so I'm a moron for buying it" can, my bladder gave me the sign that it's time to duck into the men's room and take a leak.

As I walk into the bathroom, that meandering music that was playing in the store suddenly is louder. It's a duet - a "country" ballad (it's really just a pop tune with lap steel guitar and two singers who have a southern twang in their voices) being sung by a male and female. So I unzip as I start concentrating on how bad this song is and how cheezy the lyrics are. Damn...I really have to pee now. Ok Armen, relax dude.

But I can't help concentrating EVEN HARDER on ignoring this horrible music. My god! Someone actually advanced money to record this tune!! It won't stop playing. I have to pee so badly...is this song going to end???? I can't believe that a record company fronted over $90,000 to a radio promoter to get this thing on the air! Ohhh I can't pee now!!!! This sucks!! Those poor pierced and tattooed slacker bastards that work at Borders actually have to listen to the same tune inside their stores every day because the label is paying $5000 a month for in-store play.

Now I feel like an idiot standing here and not being able to pee! This song is so bad that I'm screwing myself out of one of the great sensations of relief that a human being can feel. Hundreds of dollars in royalties are pouring in to the songwriters and the label this very second as I stand here - pathetic, my bladder paralyzed by the inane lyrics. THIS BLOWS! Oh god...someone get me a catheter!!

I'm trapped in here with this sappy music, and I can't run out of the bathroom because I have to "go" so badly. Ugh! What a frigin' dilemma.

Finally after the song ended, I calmed myself down and "took care of business." Whew! I shouldn't let me self get all wound up like that. But man that was a horrible piss-poor excuse for a song!

However, in the end, everything came out okay.

I'm Not Making This Up

Is it me, or do you find it strange that there are laws prohibiting talking on the cell phone while driving, but no laws against applying makeup in rush-hour traffic while driving with your elbows?

When Pigs Fly - Roger Waters

I caught the Roger Waters concert at the Hollywood Bowl last week.
It's good to be alive!

Click on pics to enlarge











This was the best sounding and best mixed concert I'd ever been to in my life. The remodel of the Hollywood Bowl was money well spent!

Found some of the pics on these Flickr accounts

Little Known Facts

A few facts I've learned during my travels to the east coast:

1) You are allowed to take matches and double-edge razor blades onto a flight, but not toothpaste???? I was allowed to bring my matches onto my flight to the east coast, but my 5.5 ounce Tom's of Maine orange-mango toothpaste confiscated from my carry-on luggage! It has to be under 3 ounces. So much for "homeland security."

2) A household with at least one family member who is an immigrant of Armenian ethnicity over the age of 67 will have one giant yogurt or Cool Whip container in the bathtub to be used to as a rinsing aid while bathing.

3) People are okay with paying 99 cents for a full length song and $2.50 for a 30-second ring tone...a tone that they usually only listen to for about 5 seconds!

4) When you enter any Wal-Mart, you are very likely to hear a mother screaming at a child. And if you're lucky, you may even see her strike the kid.

How To Apologize, You Frigin' Loser

I received an email from a friend recently asking his advice on making up with his girlfriend. It was a night he couldn't remember. Being the good friend that I am, I feel it's my duty to deliver the best advice that I can muster up. I always shoot straight with my friends. Here's what I came up with:

1. Buy her flowers
Put a note in the flowers apologizing for being a loser. Make sure you don't put any Baby's Breath in with the arrangement. It will show her that you put effort into the arrangement and took the time to think about what a pathetic deadbeat you are. Also, don't buy carnations for her. Buying carnations shows her that you are a cheap bastard. DO NOT buy a gigantic arrangement either, because that's how women know you are lying.

2. Buy a box of chocolates
I shouldn't have to tell you this, but I know you well Jorge, so I'm only going to say this once: Do not remove or eat any of the chocolates before giving her the box you poor-excuse-for-a-boyfriend! And when I say "box of chocolates," I mean a nice box of something like See's Candies - not Raisinettes or Goobers. Do not stare at the box and salivate as if you want some chocolates. This is a sign that you are more interested in the chocolates than you are in making up with her. Also, don't just hand her the box of chocolates and then run into her kitchen asking, "hey, do you have any beer in here?" That will piss her off beyond belief! And alcohol is what got you into trouble in the first place you imbecile. Lastly, don't keep looking at your watch as you are confessing to her that you exhibited the behavior of barbarian. That's how women know you are lying!

3. Take her shopping.
Make sure you get her a dress and new shoes. As you pass by one of those shops that sell lotions, stop in and buy her a little something in there too. Ask her to pick something out. Chicks love all that vanilla, lime, melon, mint, facial/leg/foot lotion-scrub stuff. DO NOT pick up something and smell it and tell her that any of these scents or aromas remind you of an ex-girlfriend, you philistine! While shopping with her, repeat how much of a low-life and scoundrel you are apologizing profusely. Keep telling her that you can't believe how much of your bullshit she puts up with (because she does). Tell her that you will change, even though you know that it's an impossible task to do so. While you are telling her these lies, make sure that you don't keep looking down at the ground. That's how women know you are lying.

4. Take her out to a nice dinner wearing her new dress and shoes (SHE should be wearing the dress and shoes, not you, you freak!) While you're at dinner, tell her that you are having a hard time eating because all you can think about is what a horrible ignoramus you are. Make sure you are not continuously staring at the waitress's breasts or ass while you tell her all this. That's how women know you are lying.

5. Serenade her with a song that she likes. On second thought, scratch that because she'll know you are full of shit and lying.

6. Pay for an expensive full-body massage (for me, not for her, because I'm taking so much time to help save your oblivious, uncultured and insensible ass!). Do not tell her that you got me a massage or that I gave you this advice. She'll know that you're lying!

7. Get drunk, screw it up again, and start all over.

If all this is too hard for you to do, then dump her and get a new girlfriend. But remember, you'll have to start all over. There will be no end to your ass-kissing Jorgey because you are dim-witted, mindless and ill-bred. I only tell you this because I love you, you boorish slacker.

Hugs,
Armen