What's in a Name...If You Can Pronouce It

Okay, I already listed in my profile that the prefix of my last name, "Chakmak," translates from Turkish -- although my ethnicity is Armenian -- to English as "Flintstone." Enjoying yourself? Good.

Now one of the advantages of having a last name as -- hmmm...what's the word? -- exclusive as mine is that I can spot a telephone marketer (or anyone else soliciting me) in a split second. Why, you ask? Because, middle-America (that's where I usually get the calls from) or wherever these phonetically challanged souls are from have the greatest difficulty in pronouning Chakmakian (see: chôk-MôK-yôn or chock-MOCK-yun). If you just look at the name for a second, it's really not that tough.

I just finished up a call with someone from the Firefighters' Association (whom we donated to), and the guy greeted me with, "Hello, Mr. ...um...Mr Chopen?" That was one of the whackier ones.

Here are some of my favorites (spoken with a slow, stuttered, confused and hesitant cadence) along with my replies:

• May I speak to Armon...Char-may-niun? (You may have a chance if you can figure out how to pronounce the name.)

• Is Armand Chan-mar...Chan...Chak-nar-mon there? (Do you see an "r" in my last name, genius?)

• Mr. Chaka-mark-ee? (Is that your best attempt at my last name?)
  

• Hello, is Mr. Charna-kar-yun available? (You can call me Armen, and you can also give me a 50% discount on whatever it is you're selling for butchering my name.)

• Is Armen Chan-kahn-yun in please? (He might be in, but you're out buddy. CLICK!)

• Hi! I'm looking for an Armell...Arm...Armen (how hard is my first name, doofus?) Chank-merin. (I answered, "Keep looking buddy.")

• Mrs. Chak-nar-nee? (Yeah, this is her. Pardon my cold.)

And for my favorite one:

• Ummm..Mr. Chumpa...Chaka-rock...Chaka-mayk-yun? (I'm not a chump, but I've been told I rock!)

The poor bastards.