Little Pecker!

I'm enjoying the new place we moved into now that we're back home, but this is what I wake up to every morning - a woodpecker rapidly slamming his beak into a telephone pole just outside my bedroom!

I have a love/hate relationship with this little guy. I get annoyed as hell when I'm trying to sleep and he's jackhammering away. But then again, he has go to work just like the rest of us, and he's fun to watch. The bummer for him is that he has to wear the same silly clothes every single day while I can sit in my studio and work in my underwear if I want to!

Little Pecker:

It's in the Stars...NOT!

Author and astronomer Carl Sagan stated, "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." This leads me to the subject of Astrology. I have never seen any convincing evidence that Astrology is anything more than -- I'll quote my nephew when he was four years old -- "more than nothing." Anybody who tells me through a paragraph in the newspaper "it's a bad day to go out" when I have my health and the weather is beautiful is completely full of crap. "Today is the wrong day to make a decision about money" is another moronic blanket statement that you'll read. Granted, this stuff's fun to read, like your fortune inside of a stale cookie, but I just don't buy it.

Segue to the coffee house that I was at tonight with my wife and sister, and I'm leaning on the counter while listening to the barista (that's fancy language for "the dude making your drink") talking to another customer. It's been a long time since I've heard someone talk so much bullshit, but it was entertaining as hell. My ears perked up in the middle of the conversation when his 20-something, wide-eyed, Fiona-Apple-looking assistant told the customer ahead of me, "Yeah, he's REAL good at this stuff!" The coffee dude had told the customer in front of me, "Oh it figures that happened to you. You're a Capricorn, and Capricorns make hasty decisions like that."

The customer was this 5' 5" New York City tongue-in-cheek tough guy (see Bruce Willis) who just smirked and said, "I not a Capricaun. Whe'd ja get dat?"

"She told me" as coffee boy points to tough guy's overly-made up, crazy-colored-clothes-from-a-thrift-store wearing girlfriend who was chewing gum real fast and in her mafia-mistress-nasal voice looked at tough guy and said, "I thuawt you wuh ah Capricuan."

Tough guy just shook his head. Coffee boy said, "Well, I'm usually real good at this. You must be a Cancer. Cancers always have a sad look on their face like you." (Could the guy be more insulting to this customer? lol)

I started laughing because that's the stupidest thing I've heard in months. Tough guy looked at me and chuckled saying, "Wrong again. I'm a Libra."

Coffee boy: "Oh, that makes sense because Libras and Cancers are very similar."

I just had to get in on this!! Coffee boy is now an infected open wound and I'm feeling like hydrogen peroxide! I blurted, "Is this like guessing your weight at the carnival?" He wasn't amused and doing his best not to act flustered. I asked, "What about me? Guess what sign and weight I am."

This dude actually stopped what he was doing and stared right into my eyes...the kind of stare you'd see from a bad actor who's completely over-acting. He said, "Well, you're not a Leo because you're hair is thinning a bit in the back and Leo's never really lose their hair."

A guy who was mixing sugar into his coffee who was completely bald snapped his head around laughing and said, "I'm a Leo,"as he felt his own bald head with his hand. Now all of us around the counter are chuckling. I said, "Well, there goes that theory. Guess again."

Him: "You're probably a Sagittarius."
Me: "Nope. Try again."
Him: "Well, then you're either a Cancer or Taurus."
Me: "You're close." (whatever that means. I just wanted to see what he'd say.)
Him: "Ok. Then you're a, umm...hmmm...let's see...

I'm done with this dude, so I just tell him, "I'm an Aquarius."

"Oh that makes sense now because Aquarius' are similar to Sagittarius'."

I walk back to the table. An hour later they're closing up and he's holding the door for everyone. As I get up from our table, I say to my wife, "You have real good intuition. I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to answer me quickly. That guy at the door, what do you think his astrological sign is?"

"Leo?" she says, shrugging.

So I walk up to the guy and I say, "Ok, it's my turn. Are you a Leo or Sagittarius?" He says (I swear on my Grandmother's grave), "Sag." I can't help but laugh telling him that my wife said Leo and I pulled Sagittarius right out of my ass.

The poor bastard should've read his horoscope. It may've told him it's not a good night to show off his clairvoyant astrological expertise. Or maybe it would've told him tonight he’d be the life of the party!