Fluffy, the Slug

I was showing my new three-year-old nephew his first slug as it was crawling across the ground. He's never seen one before. It was night time and the outside lights were making the slimy trail behind it shine. He named the slug Fluffy! LOL - FLUFFY THE SLUG! That's the world's greatest name for a metal band!!

Racism: The Angry Baby-Boomer Lady, et al

I witnessed one of the ugliest things I've ever seen in my life. It was true racism. I'm not talking about the kind of "racism" where Jessie Jackson goes after Toyota for not having a certain number of blacks (I don't use the term African-American because I don't know they're actually from England, the Caribbean, Cuba, etc?) or other "minorities" (another stupid term) employed.

I'm not talking about the kind of racism where you want the cook in the Chinese restaurant to be Chinese because if he's/she's not then you don't think the food's going to be as good as if he/she is Chinese.

I'm not talking about the kind of racism where the old Korean couple in their 70s sees four Mexican dudes dressed in gang-banger attire walking in their direction on the sidewalk late at night, so the couple crosses the street because they feel uncomfortable.

I'm not talking about the kind of racism where I'm asked to audition for Donny Osmond's Broadway show where he sings covers of show tunes, then I'm called a few hours later and told, "Umm...listen, they've decided they wanted to audition a...umm..they want to band to really groove and sound a lot more funky, so they're looking for a black keyboardist. <-- true story. Take notice: Donny Osmond covering Broadway show tunes - There is no way to increase the "funk factor" no matter what color you are.)

I'm not talking about the kind of racism where after auditioning and putting together a kick-ass new band of phenomenal musicians for Christina Aguilera's tour for 2003, the music director who assembled the band (who is also black and I will remain unnamed here) is called up on the telephone and told, "[We need a 'less color' on stage.]" <--another true story. I'm also not talking about the kind of racism where my brother, a student with an A- average from USC is rejected by every American medical school that he applies to because it's the first year of affirmative action, and he's passed over for C average student of different ethnicities. Only Armenians from Armenia are considered minorities, so Dad takes a loan out on the house and bro ends up studying medicine in Mexico (in Spanish!) for a couple of years, transfers to USC Medical school, has to take a year all over again, and ends up being a kick-ass doctor because he's such a mo-fo.

I AM TALKING ABOUT THE KIND OF RACISM where day before Thanksgiving, my wife and I are walking into Trader Joe's to pick up some groceries, and I hear yelling in the very-crowded parking lot. An Asian woman in her late 50s/early 60s is sitting alone in her car waiting for a parking spot near the front door. There's a white lady standing at her driver's-side window, baby boomer (late 40s/early 50s), middle-class...screaming at her about stopping the traffic in the parking lot (baby boomer's car is stopped behind the Asian woman). Now I don't know if the Asian lady needed to park near the front because she's handicapped, or has a hard time walking or what. But the baby boom lady is livid and acting like a jerk. The exchange ended with the baby boomer screaming, "You know what your problem is??!! Your problem is that you're Asian!! That's what you're problem is!!"

It was one of the ugliest exchanges I've ever witnessed in my entire life. It felt horrible to even be standing 50 ft away from her. Next time you look up "bug up your ass" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of her.

Ironically enough, we were all there because we were shopping for our Thanksgiving Dinner. Good think baby-boomer lady wasn't a pilgrim way back when. She would've mouthed off to some Native American because he was taking his time riding his horse, and then they would've BBQ'd her at the stake and said, "Screw all of you pale-face bastards! You people can starve and learn to grow your own frigin' corn!"

Side note: Glendale, California has the largest population of Armenians outside of Armenia. It's estimated that by 2009, the populations of Asians (specifically Koreans) is going to surpass the Armenian population in Glendale. So if this lady keeps this up, she will surely get her ass beaten very soon.

Mixing Board Blues

A lot of people around me have been under the weather over the last week including myself. And today when I booted up my studio, my Tascam DM-24 mixing board decided to go into a coma. I love this thing! It's small and it sounds amazing. I recorded Caravans on it and it's run totally solid without any problems for about three years now. It looks like it just needs a tune up. The good people at Tascam really came through for me by having me bring it in tomorrow so they can fix it. Thanks Marsh!

Nov 9 update: All it needed was a new power supply. Since it was at Tascam, they also updated the firmware/operating system, AND I got to meet the new artist rep. So it was a good experience all around! Cool, huh?

Election Day

Rolling Stones - Hollywood Bowl

Last night I was at the Rolling Stones concert at the Hollywood Bowl. What a great show! What a cool venue to see the band! I've seen them in concert on TV a few times and didn't think much of it, but to see them live is a completely different experience. The last time they were at the Bowl was 1966, the year I was born, and they only played a 30 minute show - six tunes and then left the stage. Apparently, the audience didn't seem to notice anything wrong. We got to seem them rock the place for over 2 hours. Here's a pic from my friend's cel phone cam. This is what it must've looked like to an acid-dropping fan in 1966.

The Elevator III - The Final Chapter

All the elevators I used today were odor-free. As a matter of fact, there were two instances of walking in a smelling a lovely scent of perfume - Much better! Things are lookin' up!!

The Elevator II

OH MY GOD! IT HAPPENED AGAIN!! Yesterday I was meeting a group of people at a condo in Westwood. But this time as soon as I got near the elevator I could smell it!! Someone farted and left the scene of the crime. The elevator doors opened up, I put one foot inside and OH...GOD HELP ME! Looks like I'm taking the stairs again. I'm taking this as a sign to use the stairs more in order to get more exercise into my day. WILL THIS EVER END????

The Elevator and the Stench from Hell

My wife and I were coming home from a delicious lunch we had. We drove into the garage, parked the car, walked over to the elevator and pushed the button in normal fashion. The doors opened as we walked into the elevator and that's when it happened! She looked at me, distraught and cried out "EWWWWWW!!!!" This was NOT good! Someone had ripped a nasty fart in the elevator and we were caught in an eye-watering, foul stench from hell! It was one of those farts that this person will be telling their friends for years. I can hear it now, "Dude, I was coming down the elevator and I just let one rip! It was SOOOOOO bad! I felt the heat on my thighs as I crop dusted the place! I feel sorry for the poor bastards that got in after I left! Ha ha ha ha!"

The doors were closing fast and I felt like the diamond thief running for steel gateway before they lock me in, taking a chance of being cut in half! There only seemed to be about 3 inches left before they were fully closed. Somehow Susan and I managed to glide through and into safety's loving arms! Ahhhh...the life-saving scent of fresh car exhaust! Whew! That was close. But that's not the end of it.

I walk inside the house just as the phone's ringing. I pick it up and and say hello. That's when I hear someone farting loudly and with great verve followed by a cheerful "Hello?" I knew who it was because he does this from time to time. I asked, "<insert name here>, did you just fart on the phone?" "Yeah! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

I'm trying to figure out the life lesson here. Why is god doing this to me? Being that this is the first day of November this is how my month started, I figure that the rest of the month can only go upwards from here! The lesson:

This is going to be a good month!

For more information on farts, visit Facts on Farts.
For fart audio, click here.