Keep your Pants On! - Airport Antics

I noticed that a majority of the people working airport security don't seem to be enjoying themselves during work. I couldn't get these people to respond to my cheer or sense of humor, and they wouldn't take any money from me to allow me to go around the x-ray device. One of the highlights during airport experience while travelling to Phoenix last week was when I didn't have to remove my shoes prior to boarding the plane in the Los Angeles airport. The airport screeners were letting those of us wearing sneakers to keep them on our feet. Woo hoo! See, I do have my brilliant moments of foresight...or so I thought (you'll see what I mean in a second). In the Phoenix airport on the way back home, I was told I had to take my shoes off even though I was wearing the same shoes that I had on in L.A.! They were even making people take off their flip-flops. Oh, the inconsistency! Oh, the humanity! But I will not let this turn my world upsidedown because I know that they will eventually apprehend those flip-flop wearing terrorists.

As I walked through the x-ray, I heard a "beeeeeeeep." Damn! It must be the 35 cents in my pocket. I removed the coins and walked went through the x-ray again. "beeeeeeeep." Oh god...now what? "Sir, can you please step over here." I was escorted to what was a large playpen...or a small penalty box. "Please put your arms up like this (forming a human "T")." This was similar to a drunk driving test (not that I've ever had one!) I told her "I swear, I only had one beer an hour ago officer." No reaction. Like I said earlier, these people have no sense of humor. She waved the magic x-ray wand over my body and the zippers, metal buttons and snaps on my pants made the wand squeel like an electro-pig. My shorts have a total of 13 metal objects on them. Ugh! So much for my brilliant foresight. "You want me to take them off? It might help you check them faster." "No. Sir, please do not remove your shorts!" Then she yelled, "Male check!" the same way a they yell "Price check!" in a grocery store.

I asked, "Can I request a female please?" No reaction. A few minutes later Buck, the airport security wand guru asked me to sit down and he proceeded to wand me like I've never been wanded before in my life. I sat, and stood, I turned, and I did the twist. "Sir, I'm going to feel your rear." "You have to, or you choose to?" Then I feel his warm, open palm slide up my left butt cheek, and then down my right butt cheek. Was that really necessary? I mean, I offered them my shorts earlier, which to me is less invasive then Buck feeling up and down my ass. "Am I clear?" "No. Sir, I need you to lift your shirt and fold out over the front of your shorts like this (he demonstrated)." I said, "Ok. Here, let me make this easier for you."

[PAUSE]

Now I've heard about airport incidents. I've seen them on the news, but I've never encountered any myself, nor have I ever known anyone that's had any kind of run in at an airport either. I want to live life to its fullest and want to experience all that it has to offer. I want to grab ahold of life like a ripe, juicy plum and bite into that sucker and have the nectar run all down my neck, down my chest and into my underwear. I believe that's why I did what came next.

[PLAY]

I unbuttoned my shorts as Buck bellowed "SIR. DO NOT TAKE THOSE OFF!" Too late. I had too much momentum going. I had stepped out of my shorts and was already handing them to him as he looked mortified and cried "SECURITY!!" There I was, in my white boxer-briefs as Striker walks over and Buck starts to brief him on what happened. Um, I think this is a good time to put my shorts back on. Striker looks my way and sees me fully clothed. My wife who is about 50 ft away tells her mom, "Oh my god! They brought over another security guard and made Armen take his shorts off!" To which a security guard standing next her replied, "No ma'am. They called the security guard because he took his shorts off."

Striker the guard walks over and asked, "Sir, why would you do that? Why would you take off your shorts with women and children walking through here?" To me, a pair of Speedos is WAY more revealing than my long boxer-briefs which were hidden under my long shirt. I don't even have the pee-pee flap in the front of these things. I said, "I just wanted to speed up the process. I had my swim trunks on underneath (I have gone swimming in boxer-briefs before), what's the big deal?" "Do you actually have your swim trunks on underneath?" The guy behind me who was probably concerned about missing his flight chimed in, "He had his swim trunks on. I was standing right here the entire time and saw them." I asked, "Am I clear?" He was perplexed, but said, "Yes sir. You're clear. You can go." I've never been called "sir" so many times in one day. They're very polite at the Phoenix airport. I highly recommend it.